Breaking the Cycle: An Interview with Taylor Madu
Dress by LAPOINTE
FACT FINDER
Taylor Madu is the co-pastor of Social Dallas in the US
She is married to Robert Madu, and together they have 3 children
Her desire is for people to know that they matter, and are not defined by their failures
Breaking cycles of dysfunction comes without a blueprint or timeline. It can be a painful journey, but if we want to grow from our past, it’s one we have to face. After a turbulent childhood, Taylor Madu realised she had a choice: to sit in her pain or change. We chat to Taylor about the healing journey, reconciling the gap between hurt and faith, and releasing the pressure of appearing like we have it all together. TW baby loss.
A CHALLENGING TIME
What experiences in your childhood shaped you into the woman you are today?
I grew up as a pastor’s kid, and it was a very healthy upbringing until age seven when my mum sat me down to say that she and my dad were getting a divorce. Back then, divorce was uncommon, especially as a family in ministry, so I didn’t think about it. When my mum told me, I just remember crying. We went from this unit of five — I'm the youngest of three — to now, Dad doesn't come home. At seven years old, how do you process that? You just want your family back together. But that wasn't possible. So I went down the route of thinking, ‘I’ll fight for the way it's supposed to be'.
What was the impact of that on your family and yourself?
My mum had a mental breakdown and became addicted to antidepressants. She was always my hero and could do no wrong, but suddenly she was addicted. My dad was travelling the world telling people about Jesus, which was powerful, but I felt like there was this huge void left at home. I thought, ‘If Mum’s angry, I need to be angry too’. Once again, that led to a lot of dysfunction, and we would have cop cars pull up to our house. So it had moments that were so extremely dysfunctional, but, at the same time, my family was also incredible.
In such a time of change, where did you find stability?
My older sister is like my best friend, and she would still take me to church. So, amid all the chaos and dysfunction, I could still see God in my life. I would always listen to worship music from being a young girl, and at that time, I had it on repeat. I remember laying in bed like, ‘Why am I so angry?’. My personality was joy and excitement, but there was something in me that felt empty. But, when I put those VHS tapes on [of worship], I found peace in God’s presence. I always loved Jesus and began loving Him more because He was constant when everything else was unpredictable.
A TURNING POINT
Often, times of dysfunction continue to impact us down the line. What was your experience with this?
The dysfunction I experienced in my younger years led me to some bad decisions, which led me to being pregnant at 17. Everyone knew about it, and I felt so ashamed. I ended up losing my baby boy, Micah Mitchell. I went into early labour and had to be rushed to have an emergency C-section. I woke up to my parents crying, and they told me that he didn’t survive. I remember laying in the hospital bed holding my baby boy and saying, ‘This can't be real. Surely this is not my life’. But it was. I said to God, ‘I've read that you make all things new. So even though I don't know what's ahead, help me to see you as the guide that makes all things new’.
‘I remember laying in the hospital bed holding my baby boy and saying, “This can't be real”.’
Growing up in church, what role did your faith play following such heartbreak?
I would go to church and people would look at me and tell me, ‘This is not who you are. You're called to something greater. We see it’. When I was too weak to fight for myself, people around me connected to God could see something more inside of me. I also realised asking God to help me heal and change required me to take steps. So yes, God is who He says He is, but what action am I practically taking to invite Him in? It takes Him, but it also takes us. That was so healing for me.
What was it like realising you had a healing journey to embark on?
Over time I had to accept I couldn’t change my reality. I could only change myself. My mum was addicted, and my dad was travelling, so I was thinking, what do you do when you realise your parents aren't perfect? They dealt with life and did the best they could, but I couldn’t change the feeling of rejection. I could stay in that pain and continue to make bad decisions, or I could choose to pursue who God is calling me to be. I would hold onto the scripture, ‘When my father and mother forsake me, the Lord would take me in’. The truth of God is sometimes painful. The truth of God costs us things close to our hearts. But when I did things my own way, it led to more pain and suffering, even if it temporarily filled a void.
Top by MUGLER
FAITH AND HEALING
Practically, what steps did you take to break the cycle of the dysfunction you had experienced?
I first had to remove myself from where I was. I had been in this toxic relationship [with the father of Micah] for over three years, and it was a dysfunctional cycle. I just couldn't get out of it. So at 18, I packed up everything and moved away. It was the best decision I ever made. I didn’t know where to start, but I just knew I needed healing. That's when I started my journey of therapy. Therapy was a huge step because no one knew how to speak to me and my wounds. But my spirit-filled counsellor took me on a journey of showing me, 'This situation made you believe this, but this is the word of God’. The lie I had come into alignment with, was now replaced with God’s truth. I still am in therapy to this day. Every season calls for something different and reveals a different wound. There are so many things that can trigger me, so it helps to have someone call out the truth and shed light on things.
In culture, self-love is at the heart of the healing journey. How has the healing you’ve received from God compared to trying to do it alone?
I think people have distorted what love is – love requires hard things. So it’s not just ‘let's put a band-aid on it and tell you what you want to hear’. I had people tell me, ‘You need to shut up, sit down and listen’. It was hard, but I needed that. Love is grace and truth, right? A million things temporarily satisfy me, but that doesn't mean it’s the answer. I want to get to a place where if everything's stripped away, I’m still standing. The way I view self-love is being led by God and saying, 'What do you want me to do today?'. If it doesn't align with God, I don’t look to it to give me direction.
How have you reconciled knowing the goodness of God with the grief of your experiences?
We can think aligning with Jesus means our life is going to be perfect but it can be just the opposite of that. It doesn’t make the loss of a loved one, sickness or tragedy easier. You have to dig into the word of God, pray, fight your way through and figure out the mystery within this suffering. Because there's something on the other side of it. I would say my greatest weapon is my suffering. It connects me to people in a way a perfect life wouldn’t. I don't want to connect to God based on what someone else says, I want it to be personal. And I have learned about Him in a deep way through my suffering.
‘We can think coming into alignment with Jesus means our life is going to be perfect but it can be just the opposite of that.’
What has helped you make sense of the suffering you’ve been through?
I think sometimes we think fighting for and believing there’s something greater in our pain comes across as fake. I would disagree with that. It's hard, but we have to go through the journey of our feelings. There were seasons when I was really sad and cried a lot. And there were seasons where I was okay. I almost felt weird that I was okay, but I was like, ‘Just accept it and receive it’. There were moments I questioned how this could ever happen. But what good is sitting in that? There comes a place where you have to decide to believe what you believe. I choose to believe that God is who He says He is, and I find strength in that.
Suit by MAGDA BUTRYM
NEW CHALLENGES
Often as women trying to do it all, we feel like we have to have it all together. How have you handled the pressure of keeping up appearances, especially in a public role?
I'm very open about this journey because I think, as a pastor, you can be put on a pedestal, but we're still so human. So I'm always like, ‘If you have me on a pedestal, please take me off and bring me down’. If I fail, it can feel brutal. I have a fear of people seeing me as weak, so that’s something I'm still unpacking. But perfectionism is not attainable. Understanding that being loved and accepted is not determined by how well I perform has been one of the most freeing things. I will fail in every area of my life. I have to be okay with that and trust that where I lack, there's a lesson to be learned.
‘If I fail, it can feel brutal. But perfectionism is not attainable.’
What impact did becoming a wife and mother have on your healing journey?
With motherhood, I've parented out of panic because I don't want to do to my children what I felt was done to me. I've parented out of abandonment to the point where I almost couldn't leave my kids because I worried something could happen which would make them feel like I'm not coming back. My therapist has really helped me with that. Operating in panic is not healthy for them or me. Parent guilt is real and some of my wounds are connected to my relationship with my mother. But Adam and Eve had the perfect parent and still made mistakes. So I have to breathe in and trust that where I lack, grace fills the gaps. The freedom I'm walking in is that, after 12 years of marriage and three children, perfection has to go. I'm still healing, and that's okay. I'm forever on the journey of just becoming who God has called me to be.
What benefits are you now able to see in moments of imperfection?
Mark Patterson, one of my favourite authors, says to ‘turn your worries into prayer alarms’. So those triggers are reminders that you're a human. Those moments keep me connected to God because there's an understanding and awareness that I can't do it without Him. That, to me, is the recipe for a beautiful, healthy life. Not a perfect life but a healthy life.
AN ONGOING JOURNEY
When trying to better ourselves, it can feel frustrating when we feel like we’ve taken a step back. How do you handle moments like that?
I look back and feel like Taylor in her 20s was a different person. I've always been ‘Taylor’, but I think we're constantly changing, and that's the beautiful part of being a human. There are things I love about myself. There are things I get frustrated with about myself. Sometimes I feel like, have you not learned? Have you not grown? The reality is, I have grown and changed, but I’ll never arrive. It's about embracing the fact that there's always room to get better. I want my life to always be led by Jesus. I love people, but I've learned they can be inconsistent. Nothing can fulfil me like Jesus, so I'm always sensitive to His voice and making sure I don't live by the pressure of what everyone else is doing.
What narrative have you had to unlearn to become the woman you are now?
You don’t have to be defined by one moment. You can love Jesus and make mistakes and be broken on the inside. Welcome to humanity. I recently went back to my high school, and I saw some classmates from 2005. They were like, ‘Dang, Taylor, 18 years later, and you're still telling people about Jesus’. I was so happy that was the message I left behind. Once I graduated and got pregnant at 17, I didn't know if people would define me by that moment. But people could accept that I made a mistake and I loved Jesus. From a young age, God has equipped me to love people where they are, to not define them by their failures, but call them to what God has called them to. I've been spending my life undoing the effects of the dysfunction I experienced, and uncovering the beauty within the suffering.
AS TOLD TO Ellie Dalton
CREATIVE DIRECTION BY Ruth Yimika Afolabi
PHOTOGRAPHY BY Cyndi Brown
STYLING BY Katie Peare
MAKEUP BY Kim Jones
HAIR BY Alejandro Guzman
PRODUCTION ASSISTING BY Paula
You can stay up to date with Taylor here
